


yer a death eater, ron

by rhysenne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, Dark Crack, Double Agents, Draco in Leather Pants, F/M, Ron Weasley Bashing, Ron the Death Eater, Trope Subversion, no beta we die like men, very brief torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27487039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhysenne/pseuds/rhysenne
Summary: the old "Ron the Death Eater" trope but with a twist
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	yer a death eater, ron

"Where have you been?" Hermione asked, her hands on her hips, glaring at Ron outside the portrait of the Fat Lady. 

"Err--I was practicing Quidditch. The match is coming up, you know--" Ron shifted his weight from foot to foot, looking down sheepishly. 

"Don't. Lie. To me. _Where were you?"_

"I told you!" he yelled defensively. "It's nothing! Now can you _please_ let me in?"

"Were you sneaking out with some other girl?"

"No! Merlin forbid--"

"I don't believe you."

"Please! Please, Hermione, you have to believe me! I'm telling you the truth!"

She grabbed him by the arm and started shaking him aggressively. "Tell me the truth, or else--" She never finished her sentence. "What is that."

She'd accidentally pushed up his left sleeve, revealing an all-too-familiar tattoo of a skull and snake on his arm. 

He stared at her. She stared back at him, both at a loss for words.

Hermione came to her senses and drew her wand, pointing it at his throat. "Stay where you are! Don't move!"

"Hermione, I swear this isn't what it looks like--"

"Shut up! You're a fucking _Death Eater_ , Ron! What do you have to say for yourself!"

"Hermione, please, you have to believe me, I didn't mean to--"

"Didn't mean to what? Join the darkest wizard who ever lived, one who would massacre your family members if he could? _Stupefy."_ She was so full of rage. How could he, how could he, _how could he_ , especially after Bellabitch killed Sirius and Voldemort threatened everyone they loved and Dumbledore was _dying!_

"DEATH EATER!" she finally yelled. "DEATH EATER OUTSIDE THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM! THERE'S A DEATH EATER AMONG US!"

Despite the late hour, her cries woke up the entire House. Gasps and screams could be heard everywhere. _"Death Eater? An actual DEATH EATER among us?" "Eject him!" "Is it true You-Know-Who gives them Dark Marks on their--"_

All the professors came running. "I'll take care of this from now on," said Dumbledore. "You don't have to worry about him anymore, Miss Granger. Thank you for your bravery in helping us apprehend him."

As Hermione sobbed, everyone in the crowd only seemed interested in ogling The One Who Caught The Death Eater and asking questions and interviewing her and throwing books _(books!)_ at Ron. No one noticed that she wanted to be left alone. No one looked at her with anything but morbid curiosity or excitement--no one except one Draco Malfoy standing in the back.

Ronald Bilius Weasley was sent to Azkaban without a trial. The evidence against him was simply too overwhelming. Draco comforted her in the aftermath, something which everyone else was too distracted to bother to do. They started dating.

Harry continued to find out information about Voldemort's Horcruxes with Dumbledore, but he died soon afterwards. The locket in the cave turned out to be a fake. 

Dumbledore fell off the Astronomy Tower, killed by Snape. Harry later reported that he'd seemed strangely reluctant to do so, but dismissed his concerns. Snape had been the evil spy all along.

Yes, of course Draco Malfoy had been on the tower too, but Harry didn't believe he would've killed Dumbledore once he finished his rant. Draco was only a kid, after all. He'd been coerced into joining Voldemort's ranks. _"He already told me that,"_ Hermione would reply. _"He told me he'd been forced to join Voldemort on the first day we started dating. He already told me about the plot, but he said he did as much as he could to foil it. It was_ Ron _who planted the necklace on Katie and the poison in Slughorn's mead. It was Ron all along, and Ron was in collusion with Snape. Snape was always planning to kill Dumbledore, not letting Draco have the_ honors _, taking the_ glory _for himself. Ron and Snape, Ron and Snape... a match made in Hell. At least we got one of them and now he's with the Dementors where he belongs. I hope no one is mad at Draco for this."_

Voldemort took over the Ministry. "I'll write to you," Draco said tearfully to Hermione as they parted. "I'll try my best to undermine the regime from within. We'll see each other again, I promise." Hermione rushed forward, closed her eyes, and kissed him full on the lips. 

"I love you, Draco, my angel of light, my hero!"

"You too, Hermione."

He was wearing tight-fitting dragon-leather pants.

Harry and Hermione huddled in a tent together. "Why was Umbridge's locket fake? How did she have a _fake locket?_ We checked, Mundungus _confirmed_ \--"

"I don't know, Hermione. I really don't know."

_A few months later_

Harry shivered as he left the water. "Well, we've found the sword alright. But what use does it have if we have no Horcrux to use it on?"

"Just keep looking, Harry," Hermione sighed. "I'm sure we'll find one eventually."

Hermione saw Draco again in Malfoy Manor. Although she was tortured, although they barely were able to escape, Hermione was happy because she got to see his face. He looked evil and had an evil smile and even an evil cackle, but of course he was only acting; if he showed that he loved her, Bellatrix would hurt her more just to spite him for loving a Mudblood. Draco said _yes, he's definitely Harry Potter, don't be fooled by the Stinging Hex_ \--but what other choice did he have? Bellatrix and Lucius and Narcissa would get suspicious if he hesitated.

 _I love you,_ she mouthed at him as Dobby Apparated them all away.

They broke in to Bellatrix Lestrange's vault next. Hermione and Harry both screamed in pain as cursed gold and gems burned their skin, but they kept on swimming, certain that they would find a Horcrux if only they kept looking long enough. An hour later, with barely recognizable faces, they mentally admitted defeat. They were too weak to fight when they were arrested by a combination of goblins and Death Eaters. Griphook smirked, waving Gryffindor's sword at them, the last image they saw before they fell into oblivion and unconsciousness.

They were brought before Voldemort, of course. The captures of Undesirable Numbers One and Two made headlines, even on copies of the _Daily Prophet_ that were occasionally shown to Azkaban inmates. Voldemort laughed maniacally. They were here, now, their Chosen Savior and his Mudblood whore. He'd _won._ They had no hope of resistance now.

He raised his wand. _"Crucio!"_ Harry screamed under the Elder Wand's curse. 

"NOOOOOO!" cried Hermione. Then she decided that she didn't care about anything anymore. They'd lost. She abandoned all thoughts of _he has a cover to maintain_ and screamed desperately, "Save him, Draco! Stop this!"

The boy in Death Eater robes standing in the corner turned to face her. "Hermione," he said.

Voldemort cackled again. "So this is the Mudblood you've been telling me all about, young Draco?"

"Yes, my Lord. That's her."

"My, my, little Mudblood..."

"What--what is this--what do you mean--no, you were protecting me, right? You told him about me as part of your scheme to protect me?"

Everyone in the room except her and Harry started laughing at once. 

"What?" Hermione looked around, utterly confused. Harry was too busy coughing and convulsing on the floor to notice much of anything around him. They didn't stop laughing. _"What?"_ she demanded, more indignant this time. 

They laughed even harder.

Hermione remembered being the one they all laughed at in class. "STOP LAUGHING AT ME YOU, YOU EVIL RACIST BASTARDS, YOU HOGWARTS DROPOUTS, YOU PEOPLE WHO NEVER READ _HOGWARTS: A HISTORY_ , YOU UNEDUCATED IDIOTS, YOU LOW-IQ INDIVIDUALS, YOU--YOU--YOU **_ANTI-SPEW APOLOGISTS!_** _"_

"What?" Draco stopped laughing for a moment, looking at her, confused. "Since when did our gracious Lord advocate against spit?"

"I think... I think our little Mudblood here has something she would like to see. Someone, rather." Voldemort gestured to a Death Eater near the door. "Bring him in."

A few moments later, he dragged Ron Weasley into the room. He was bound and gagged and covered in cuts and bruises, but Hermione didn't notice.

She saw _that boy's_ ginger hair--no, it was, orange, _ORANGE--_ and his ugly, ugly _freckles_ and goddamn _lankiness_ and his homework-copying habits and his disrespect for books and his cruelty and abuse and his overall T-grade demeanor and Hermione Granger saw _red_.

She charged. 

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY YOU FILTHY TRAITOR YOU DARED TO GO TO AZKABAN BUT _GET OUT_ AND YOU NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR COPYING MY HOMEWORK AND _HOW DARE YOU SET EYES ON DRACO_ , _HOW DARE YOU EXIST IN THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE AS THE ONE WHERE DRACO LIVES, HOW DARE YOU TAINT HIS LIGHT, HOW DARE YOU DISHONOR THE SACRIFICES AND HARDSHIPS HE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO BE A SPY! YOU HAD IT EASY, NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR IDENTITY BEING FOUND OUT EVERY FIVE MINUTES, NOT HAVING TO GO TO A MADMAN EVERY NIGHT AND THEN PRETEND EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT THE NEXT DAY, AND YOU NEVER EVEN WORE LEATHER PANTS AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN AND YOU DESERVE TO GO TO HELL AND--"_

She slapped and punched and kicked and scratched and tried to poke out his eye until a Death Eater standing by restrained her, chuckling amusedly. She'd managed to reopen a serious-looking cut on his face, at least. That was some consolation.

"Well, I think a little reveal is in order. Draco?"

Draco stalked forward toward Hermione, and she forgot all her anger towards Ron and all her thoughts focused on him, _him,_ her light and life and love and savior and everything she was and the dire situation they were in and it was _him,_ only _him_ , that existed and mattered in the world.

He pointed his wand at her. _"Crucio."_

Hermione screamed. Her bones were on fire--no, liquefying--and she was being cut into a thousand pieces and _why had Draco chosen_ now _of all times to tried that, he'd mentioned wanting to try Cruciatus play back when they were at Hogwarts together but they hadn't had the time and she wasn't really in the mood right now with_ that boy _standing_ right there _and all..._

"Stupid little Mudblood," he sneered. "Did you really think I loved you?"

Hermione had never mentioned her secret humiliation kink before, especially for being called a Mudblood. She'd thought he would sneer at her for it, so she'd never told. She concluded that since they were soulmates, made for each other since they were born, he was so in tune and knowledgeable of her desires, even more than she was, that he could guess correctly even now.

"Her--mo--ninny!" gasped Ron through his gag.

"Silence!" Draco pointed his wand at Ron, and with a loud _BANG!_ , he was silenced. He continued trying to speak, eyes wide, trying to communicate silently, but to no avail. 

Hermione gasped in adoration. "My _savior_!" she gushed. "Oh, Draco, thank you so much for defending my honor from that scumbag!"

Draco sneered at her. Hermione had always found that endearing.

Even Voldemort was starting to look impatient. He'd been willing to let events unfold of their own accord, but clearly the Amortentia Draco used on the Mudblood was too powerful. She was starting to get on his nerves. (Oh, who was he kidding; she'd gotten on his nerves ten minutes ago but he'd tried too hard to enjoy the show to cut it short.) He sighed.

"Enough of that," he snapped. "Here's the short version, Mudblood: Draco was never in love with you; he's always been on my side; he lied to you; he used Amortentia on you to make you fall in love with him; he kidnapped Weasley and brought him to me; Weasley fed me information he heard from Potter under threats on his family and your lives; Draco only pretended to date you because he wanted no-strings-attached sex; he's engaged to marry Pansy Parkinson in two days; Weasley's information informed me of your little scavenger hunt over a year ago; I saw the locket on the Umbridge woman's neck at one of my 'Make Wizards Great Again' rally; I hid my other Horcruxes somewhere you'll never find them, _months_ before you even _thought_ of looking for them. Is that good enough for your stupid little brain?"

Hermione only registered one fact: _Weasley_ was a traitor, Weasley was a spy, Weasley had been forced to take the Mark--

"Which one?"

Voldemort was taken aback. "Which what?"

"Weasley. Which Weasley did you forced to turn on their own side?" Ugh, why was _Ron_ trying to scream at her in the corner? _H_ _e'd_ joined up voluntarily; _he'd_ have no trouble hurting one of his own family members in such a horrible way like that.

For the first time in seventy-two years, Lord Voldemort, Great Ruler Of Great Britain, Lord Of Dark Magic, Sole Heir Of Slytherin and the God Emperor Of All Wizardkind, buried his head in his arms in defeat.

"My Lord?"

"My Lord?"

"My _Loooo_ ord!"

Bellatrix's voice was like that of a lover's. "My Lord?"

 _Perhaps the kiss of true love will wake him up_ , she thought, and planted her lips on his bald, scaly forehead. 

"AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Voldemort screamed. (As someone conceived under Amortentia, as well as a psychopathic/sociopathic snake-hybrid, Lord Voldemort was violently allergic to kisses.)

"My Lord? Are you alright?"

"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" (As less than one percent of a soul, Lord Voldemort had zero sympathy tolerance.)

"Your scheme has finally been completed, my Lord; the Granger girl has been disillusioned and is now internally fracturing as the tremendous weight of guilt and humiliation and horror crashes down on her--"

Voldemort moved his lipless mouth. No sound came out this time.

Draco tried not to laugh. He really did.

Then he started laughing. Lucius started laughing too, then Narcissa, then Travers, then Rookwood, then everyone else. Bellatrix was the last to look away from her Lord (she could never resist a chance to show off her evil cackle).

"It's _Ronald_ Weasley, you filthy idiot," he snapped at Hermione. "Your precious ex-boyfriend truly did have a heart of gold underneath his orange hair all along. _He_ was the one pining for you while he languished in Azkaban; _he_ was the one we forced to be a double agent all along. I was the one who brought him to the Dark Lord. Not so clever now, are you?"

_What--_

_Ron--good--student/Order member/crewmate--Draco--bad--impostor--_

**_ERROR: HermioneGrangersHighIQButActuallyStupidBrain.exe has stopped working._ **

**ERROR: RonaldWeasleysBrain.exe has crashed from pure misery.**

**ERROR: TomMarvoloRiddlesBrain.exe has collapsed from despair at humanity's incompetence.**

(ERROR: HarryPottersBrain.exe is not working. HarryPotter is currently unconscious and unable to function. Please reboot; _Ennervate_ Charm suggested.)

...

...

...

A greasy-haired, sallow-skinned man barged in, Death Eater robes askew, revealing an "I Love Lily" (custom-ordered under polyjuice) Muggle T-shirt underneath. "Am I late?"

...

...

...

"My Lord, I swear, I was going to arrive on time but I was trying to convince Dumbledore I was _his_ agent all along to convince him to divulge more of his secrets and he took too long and for some reason he kept repeating _don't trust Draco Malfoy, however he tries to convince you he's still on our side_ \--"

**_HermioneGrangersBrain.exe has been successfully rebooted by file Hate.exe._ **

...

...

...

Ron looked at Voldemort. Voldemort looked at Bellatrix. Bellatrix looked at Draco. Draco looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Snape.

"SNAPE! SNAPE! **SEVERUS SNAPE!** "


End file.
